Still a Nerd

A couple posts back I had mentioned about a friend interviewing with the C (filler to prevent google search) I (stupid, I know) A. Well, then I took it out because indeed that friend was in fact myself and I didn't want to compromise anything. Sadly, I regret to inform you that I will no longer be considered for the position, so my tell all book will arrive early in the form of this post.



For those that didn't know, I applied for a position as a clandestime servcie offcier (intentionally misspelled, you never know), or in other words, a spy. It had always been my dream to sit in a café in Paris, scoping out some terrorist a few tables away. Perhaps take pictures of him, develop them in my apartment (black and white of course), and deliver them in a manila envelope to my superiors, preferably at a park bench.

I applied for the job not expecting anything to come of it. I just didn't want to be on my death bed some day, regretting that I never tried to be a spy (I'll have plenty of other regrets to take me into the hereafter). So, I filled out the necessary forms online and waited. I got a call about a month ago informing me that they would like to talk. So I had a 30 minute phone interview with a gentleman at Langley, after which he said they would discuss, at their monthly meeting, my profile(the contents of which I can only assume were a small photo paper-clipped to the folder, my resume, some stats, and perhaps a few pictures I drew in grade school).

In our phone interview, he of course started off by asking me why I wanted to join the agency. As a word of advice for any potential candidates, don't reference "Men in Black" at any time in your answer, no good can come of it. He also asked about my mission. I recounted the stories of Arabs attacking me in France, Elder Bender's pasta surprise, and other mission tragedies.

The coolest question was the following (keep in mind this was at the end of August): What event in the last month do you think is of greatest importance to US foreign policy makers?

I suppose there could be many answers, but I chose the Russia/Georgia conflict. He then asked me to describe the situation. I was going to crack some Peach state joke but by this point I was starting to realize that this guy doesn't appreciate sarcasm as much I do. So I just did my best, throwing some key words out that I thought would impress him, like South Ossetia, Medvedev, and Glasnost. I think he was impressed.

He then asked me: The Russians viewed the whole ordeal as no different than the US and UN's involvement where? For whatever reason, I didn't hear the UN part, so I started going through US history and had nothing. I was getting frustrated, thinking perhaps the Civil War because they wanted to breakaway? No…or maybe when we invaded Canada during the War of 1812? I doubt Russia even knows that. Anyway, add your guess as a comment if you'd like, but the UN thing should help.

I guess in the end, this is for the better. Oh well, back to this trial balance.

Toilet Humor

As part of my job, I'm almost always traveling around, setting up shop at a new place for a few weeks and then moving on. It is not unlike the circus, sans the smell of cabbage. As I visit the different offices where my clients reside, I'm exposed to a variety of bathrooms and cultures. As such, I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the area of toilet etiquette. Since there is no official written standard, I'd like to use this entry to set forth various guidelines that should be followed, regardless of your place of work. Obedience to the rules will increase productivity and satisfaction at the office. Think of this as the Bathroom Constitution, and amendments are welcome, but I hold veto power.

1. This should go without saying, but you must wash your hands. Now, with the technology we have these days, there may be instances where you might think washing isn't necessary. I applaud your skills, but nonetheless, if others are in the room, you must wash your hands. It's akin to saying "God Bless You" after a sneeze. You just do it to make others feel comfortable, even if it doesn't have a real benefit.
2. When possible, there should ALWAYS be a one stall buffer between you and me. Why on earth, when there are 3 stalls and I'm in the last, would you pick the one right next to me? There are few moments I detest more in life than seeing the feet of a person doing their business no more than 15 inches away. And yes, I did note what shoes you're wearing, so you better follow rule #1 or else...
3. If you come into the bathroom and hear that I'm finishing up my business, please note that it should take me no more than 30-40 seconds longer to exit the premises. Therefore, I simply ask that you wait a few moments before turning the bathroom into Milpitas, so that I may be spared
4. No talking. Unless you're informing me of my imminent death, I can think of nothing that cannot wait for a time when our pants are not at our ankles.
5. Finally, show some restraint. Releasing one's flatulence in an adjacent cube would bring untold embarrassment upon yourself, and yet for some reason once you enter this magical tiled room you feel that there are no restrictions? I understand it is designated for such practices, but that doesn't mean the Geneva Convention should be ignored.

I just can't stand the things some people do in the bathroom, have they no decency?! Okay, I'm done, I need to flush and get out of here, someone just walked in…