As part of my job, I'm almost always traveling around, setting up shop at a new place for a few weeks and then moving on. It is not unlike the circus, sans the smell of cabbage. As I visit the different offices where my clients reside, I'm exposed to a variety of bathrooms and cultures. As such, I consider myself somewhat of an expert in the area of toilet etiquette. Since there is no official written standard, I'd like to use this entry to set forth various guidelines that should be followed, regardless of your place of work. Obedience to the rules will increase productivity and satisfaction at the office. Think of this as the Bathroom Constitution, and amendments are welcome, but I hold veto power.
1. This should go without saying, but you must wash your hands. Now, with the technology we have these days, there may be instances where you might think washing isn't necessary. I applaud your skills, but nonetheless, if others are in the room, you must wash your hands. It's akin to saying "God Bless You" after a sneeze. You just do it to make others feel comfortable, even if it doesn't have a real benefit.
2. When possible, there should ALWAYS be a one stall buffer between you and me. Why on earth, when there are 3 stalls and I'm in the last, would you pick the one right next to me? There are few moments I detest more in life than seeing the feet of a person doing their business no more than 15 inches away. And yes, I did note what shoes you're wearing, so you better follow rule #1 or else...
3. If you come into the bathroom and hear that I'm finishing up my business, please note that it should take me no more than 30-40 seconds longer to exit the premises. Therefore, I simply ask that you wait a few moments before turning the bathroom into Milpitas, so that I may be spared
4. No talking. Unless you're informing me of my imminent death, I can think of nothing that cannot wait for a time when our pants are not at our ankles.
5. Finally, show some restraint. Releasing one's flatulence in an adjacent cube would bring untold embarrassment upon yourself, and yet for some reason once you enter this magical tiled room you feel that there are no restrictions? I understand it is designated for such practices, but that doesn't mean the Geneva Convention should be ignored.
I just can't stand the things some people do in the bathroom, have they no decency?! Okay, I'm done, I need to flush and get out of here, someone just walked in…
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4 comments:
My old boss never washed his hands. He'd say, 'They're cleaner than if they touched those fixtures.' I always shuddered, since by the way he'd dash in and out, I know he was handling stuff along the way.
An amendment? How about making sure the stuff you flush actually goes down. That always bugged me. In London someone left behind a specimen indicating that person sorely lacked roughage in their diet and it took seriously 4 flushes to get it down. Say goodbye to your own waste, is what I say.
I propose a minor amendment to rule #1, but an important one nonetheless. How about "you must wash your hands WITH SOAP." You'd be surprised how many people brush their hands under the faucet for a second or two and go on their merry way. This isn't doing anything, people!
Hey Jeff, now you can say you have blog viewers from Australia. Speaking of which, I need to update my Facebook map...
I'd like to add an amendment to guideline number four concerning sitting on the toilet while talking on a cell phone . There is nothing worse than sitting on the toilet when someone's cell phone rings in the stall next door. It's one thing to sit alone with your thoughts trying to expel what's left of last nights pizza then have to listen to a one sided conversation with lots yeas and uh-huhs.
In addition I'd also like to add a sixth guideline concerning pee shivers. Women will probably not know what I am talking about, but men will. For men a pee shiver is an intense shiver which occurs unexpectedly while taking leak at a urinal. They usually occur when you've just come in from the cold or when you have had to hold it for a while. Some shivers can be quite intense. Once my brother suffered a severe pee shiver which caused him to fall and hit his head on the edge of the urinal. So the guideline I am proposing is when you find someone sprawled out on the restroom floor don't just walk over the poor sap, help him up, because he may have been the victim of severe pee shiver. -Steve
Very good suggestions and I will put them before the houses for approval.
I'm surprised by the lack of Larry Craig jokes, good for you.
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